Already Gone
by SindyLoo
Summary: They were together, they were connected yet she couldn't help but feel like they've never been farther apart. She could feel her heart beating loudly in her chest and the nagging pain and fear that had been at the back of her mind returned with a vengeance. It took everything in her to muster up the strength to finally say what was on her mind, "I've missed this." Rated for content
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I haven't read any fics based on the script Warren gave us of the deleted Bensidy scene in Downloaded Child so I decided to write one. This was my first attempt at smut and I'm sorry if it's complete and utter shit, I wanted to try it and challenge myself to write something that took me out of my element. Imani, I did it! Fiona, Erica & Diana, don't kill me, k? **

**The initial plan was to leave this as a one-shot but now I'm not so sure if I want to do that or to continue it. Let me know what you guys think I should do. **

**As always, I own nothing. Dick Wolf & NBC own Brian and Olivia and the lyrics are from Kelly Clarkson's **_**Already Gone**_**. **

_Remember all the things we wanted  
Now all our memories, they're haunted  
We were always meant to say goodbye_

The night was young yet the sky was dark and the wind was howling angrily at the sidewalks that were covered in a light dusting of snow. Olivia walked briskly toward her apartment, tugging at her scarf, tightening its grip around her neck. It was mid-March but it was still frigid out. It seemed that the City had no intentions of waking up for spring to arrive.

Olivia rubbed her gloved hands together gingerly as she stepped into the warmth of the building; she quickly checked the mailbox before heading upstairs. She walked down the short hallway leading to her apartment, stopping to sigh before she entered her key and unlocked the door.

Her heart stopped when she walked into the small apartment. Dinner was ready and plated on the table that was adorned with candles, a small bouquet of flowers sat neatly in the centre of the table in a vase; Olivia looked up and saw Brian smiling at her, not the usual boyish smile that she had fallen in love with but a different smile, a smile filled with sadness.

He gently reached her for jacket and hung it on the coat rack before he handed her one of the glasses of wine he held in his hand before leaning in and placing a soft kiss on her cheek. "Welcome home," his voice was small and uncertain, he wasn't one to show openly show emotion but with Olivia he always tried a little harder. Although he hadn't mustered up the courage it to say it aloud yet, he was so deeply in love with her that it broke his heart watching them drift apart the way they have.

"What's all this?" Olivia asked smiling as she took a sip of her wine, letting out a soft sigh of contentment as the dark liquid flowed down her throat.

Brian's gaze shifted from Olivia to the floor as his hand rose to rub the back of his neck as it did every time he began to feel nervous, "I'm… making an attempt"

Olivia smiled as she watched her usually tough, hard as rock boyfriend become worried over how she'd react, she gently cupped his cheek in her free hand and brought his gaze up to meet her own, "it's nice," she said offering a genuine smile "thank you".

Brian walked to the table and pulled out a chair and signalled for Olivia to have a seat, "how was your day?"

"You sure?" Talking about work was usually something that Brian and Olivia strayed from, with Brian working at IAB a lot of the things that happened at their respective workplaces stayed separate in case either mentioned something that could cause a possible problem for either of them at any given moment. This caused both of them to walk on eggshells around the house, their conversations kept to a minimum with silence often filling their time together.

Brian walked to opposite end of the table, taking a seat directly across his girlfriend and wrapping his hands with hers. He smiled at her and raised her knuckles to his lips placing a sweet kiss on them, smiling at her, "I'm sure, Liv. How was work?"

"Not good." Olivia sighed as she unloaded the heaviness of her day at SVU on Brian, thankful that she had someone to talk to. She never realized just how much she missed these moments, the way they used to feel so at ease together. The way they used to sit and talk about work, life and everything else under the sun for hours on end. They used to spend all night wrapped in each other's arms, making small talk after making love all night long but now, like everything else in her life, the relationship was slipping away.

They spent the remainder of their dinner chatting about life. In the months that had seen them drifting apart there were numerous things they had forgotten to tell each other. There were stories of love, stories of friendships, of pain, and laughter. Olivia wondered how they let their relationship get away from them the way they did. Wondered how they managed to grow apart only after they decided they were ready to share their daily lives with each other.

_It started with the perfect kiss then  
We could feel the poison set in  
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive_

Olivia sat on couch cuddled with Brian, her head resting lightly on his chest as his strong arms wrapped around her shoulder. This was the present yet these were the moments she missed the most. They were together, they were connected yet she couldn't help but feel like they've never been farther apart. She could feel her heart beating loudly in her chest and the nagging pain and fear that had been at the back of her mind returned with a vengeance. It took everything in her to muster up the strength to finally say what was on her mind, "I've missed this." Her words were quiet and her voice was shaky and her eyes stayed planted on the dark television in front of her. She was never one to initiate conversations about feelings, fears and emotions, in fact she was usually the one who avoided them at all costs but in this moment, she needed him to know how she felt, needed him to know she was worried.

"So have I." Brian's free hand ran tenderly through Olivia's hair, eventually falling to land on her thigh. Her hand found his and their fingers intertwined, "what's happening to us, Liv? Everything started out so well. How did we get here?"

Olivia shifted in Brian's arms so that she was now sitting up beside Brian, she reached over and took his hand in her own, and her eyes focused on his, "I don't know, Bri. I guess we let life get in the way of our happiness."

"I'm sorry, Liv. Really, I am."

"There's nothing for you to apologize for Brian, there's two of us in this relationship; two of us in this apartment and two of us who've made mistakes…"

Brian's thumb gently rubbed Olivia's outer palm, "do you think this is fixable, our relationship?"

Olivia felt a tear roll down her face and she bit the inside of her cheek gently as she pondered Brian's question. A few moments later she looked up at Brian, his face was full of sorrow and regret. She pushed herself closer to Brian, "I don't know." The honesty in her answer shocked her. She looked at him teary-eyed and smiled sadly at him, cupping his face in her hands, "but right now, I don't care…" Olivia closed the small space between her and Brian as she pressed her lips longingly to his.

She missed him.

She needed him.

She was losing him.

Brian wrapped his arms around Olivia and pulled her even closer to him as his fingers made their way to her short brown hair. He kissed her with every ounce of love he had in his body, he wasn't sure if their relationship would survive the night but even without ever saying the words, he needed her to know how much he loved her.

Their kiss was passion-filled and emotional, with both of them trying to express their feelings without using words.

They separated only when they both needed air and Olivia rested her head lightly on Brian's before their eyes met again. A smile spread on both their faces as their lips met again briefly before Brian pulled Olivia onto his lap and she rested her head in the crook of his neck, her fingers gently tracing the light cotton material of his shirt before she began planting tender kisses up his neck, stopping at his jawline when she heard him moan quietly.

"Liv," he pulled away slightly, their eyes meeting again,

"Brian," her voice so small it could barely be heard in the silent, dark apartment. She knew she looked scared but she didn't care. She was terrified to lose the man she loved, the man who has supported her, helped her and loved her in ways she couldn't imagine ever getting from anyone else, "please."

That was all the instruction Brian needed. He picked Olivia up off the couch and carried her to their bedroom. He laid her down gently on the bed and brushed away a few stray strands of hair that fell on her face before he kissed her once again.

Olivia moaned quietly into the kiss, grabbing Brian's shirt to bring him closer to her. She tugged at the bottom of his shirt before he broke the kiss long enough for her to pull it over his head and toss it aside.

Once their lips met again Brian's hands worked diligently to undo the buttons of Olivia's blouse, she gently lifted her shoulders off the bed and Brian gently removed the light material from her body. Brian ran his hands over Olivia's body, down her hips and rested when he reached the waistband of her work slacks; he swiftly unbuckled her belt and trousers and slid the material down her legs before he pulled his own pants down leaving them both in nothing but their underwear.

Brian's placed another soft kiss on Olivia's lips before his hands slid down to Olivia's black lace bra, his thumb grazing her hardened nipple through the material eliciting another moan from Olivia before he made quick work of the clasp and removed the garment from her all together and taking her breast in his mouth, suckling gently on her hardened nub.

Brian traced kissed down Olivia's stomach and over the lace panties, smirking when he felt the heat that radiated from her. He tugged the material down her toned legs and gently kissed his way back up her legs, to her thighs and finally to her core. His smirk grew wider when he heard her muffled moans and felt her hands grip his hair, her nails gently digging into his scalp, he eagerly plunged two fingers into her while he continued lapping and suckling on her clit.

Once her moans grew louder and her breathing turned jagged Brian gripped her hips keeping her steady as he pulled her closer to her climax with his mouth, a few moments later he felt her body buckle as she screamed his name. He waited until her body relaxed before he let go of her hips and hovered against her, his eyes locking with hers.

His thumb gently traced the outline of her jaw as he focused on her face which was outline solely by the moonlight that snuck in between the small opening of the curtains, "god, you're beautiful," he smiled when he saw a slight blush creep onto Olivia's face before she wrapped her arms around his neck pulling his lips to hers for another passionate kiss.

She gently tugged at the waistband of his boxers and Brian pulled them off, freeing his hardened member with a groan of pleasure. She reached down and gently stroked him, moaning when she felt how hard he was. "Brian," she whispered in the dark bedroom, "I need you."

He quickly positioned himself so he was between her legs and planted a tender kiss on her collarbone, making his way up her neck and back to her lips before he slowly thrust into her, both of them moaning at welcome feeling.

Their movements were slow and deliberate with each of them wanting to take their time, cherish the moment and relish completely in each other. Their hands roamed each other's bodies as if they were trying to memorize every inch of each other, their kisses her passionate and needy. They wanted to give each other everything they could and they wanted to take everything being given to them.

This was different for them, they often used sex as a way to avoid their emotions and to avoid talking about feelings but this was more than passionate; it was sensual. They both wanted the other to know exactly how loved they were and that no matter where their relationship went they were connected by a love and tenderness that could only be achieved together.

Their love making lasted well into the night and they called each other's names as they reached their climaxes, it was feeling unlike anything either had ever experienced before, so full of wanting, need and _love_ for the other person.

"Wow," Olivia said panting lightly as she heard Brian chuckle quietly as he pulled her closer to him, wrapping his arms securely around her waist. She sighed contently as she let the back of her head rest on her chest, "that was, incredible."

"It's always incredible with you, Liv." Brian kissed her shoulder tenderly and smiled when he felt Olivia's body melt into his. He held her tightly until he felt her body relax and her breathing even out. Convinced she was asleep he finally let the words he's been wanting to say escape his lips quietly, "I love you, Olivia," he said before he closed his eyes and finally fell asleep.

A tear fell from Olivia's eyes as she heard Brian's quiet confession, she never questioned that he loved her but hearing those words when she knew there was a chance their relationship was ending broke her heart. "I love you too," she whispered back into the dark bedroom before she allowed herself to fall asleep.

_And I want you to know  
You couldn't have loved me better…_


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I haven't updated anything in what seems like forever and I'm so sorry, I've been insanely busy with school, work and life overall but I hope you guys enjoy this. I'm trying to get an update of Never Say Goodbye out soon, I've started writing but I've hit a bit of writer's block that I can hopefully beat soon. Anyhow, this update is for Imani for helping me through a rough patch, and because she's awesome and keeps me motivated to write, xox**

**Anyhow, leave a review either here or on twitter SpearsFan55 and let me know what you think**

**Lyrics: Beneath Your Beautiful- Labrinth ft. Emeli Sandé**

.

_You've built your wall so high  
That no one could climb it,  
But I'm gonna try._

Olivia awakens slowly in the comfort of her bed, her body pressed against Brian's, the large duvet wrapped snuggly around them and with Brian's fingers trailing lazily through her hair. She can feel him watching her; she can feel how torn he is without needing to see it on his face. She stirs slightly, and smiles when Brian's lips tenderly brushed her neck, "morning," her voice is still laced with sleep, her eyes still closed. She shifts in his arms so that they were now face-to-face, her eyes are open now and there's a smile gracing her lips.

Brian smiles tenderly back at the woman lying beside him, his thumb gently running up her cheek, "Good morning, gorgeous." Brian can't help but to chuckle at the way Olivia buries her face deep into his chest, trying to hide the inevitable blush that was creeping onto her cheeks, the way it did every time he called her gorgeous or beautiful. There was nothing he wanted more than for her to fully embrace how beautiful she was, but it seemed no matter how many times he told her, she didn't believe him.

Olivia smiled at Brian's words, no matter how many times he's repeated that exact phrase to her, it never ceased to cause a blush to creep up onto her face; no man was ever able to make her feel as beautiful or as loved as Brian did.

She felt her heart pull as memories of the previous night flooded her. Memories of candlelight and wine, of Brian putting it all out there and of her avoiding a conversation that needed to happen with sex, memories of their silent admittance of love in the dark.

"Hey," Olivia's thoughts were interrupted when she felt Brian's hands cup her face, "you alright?"

"Perfect," she whispered in the dark room as she pushed her body closer to his, hoping for a few more minutes of peace, of love. She sighed contently when she felt Brian's arms wrap securely around her waist, closing what little gap there was between them.

They lay together for a few minutes, the back of Olivia's head resting comfortably on Brian's bare chest, the sound of his heart beat calming her, her hand absent-mindedly running along his arms. She basked in the feelings of warmth that surrounded her, the feeling of being held by someone who loved her.

Brian's free hand made its way back up into Olivia's hair, his fingers gently scraping her scalp as he breathes in her scent, "what time do you need to leave for work?" His voice deepened as his lips attached to her neck and his hands roamed from her hair down to her bare thigh.

The timbre of his voice sets her soul on fire. She wants him. She wants to feel him, wants to love him. Her body shivers as she feels his breath, hot against her neck; "soon," she chokes out, unable to formulate a complete sentence with her growing lust.

Brian smiled as Olivia's breath hitched with the sudden change of pace of their morning. Gently, he begins to rub the inside of her thigh and he smirks when hears a whimper escape his girlfriend lips as he let his thumb graze over her lace covered clit before he rested his hand back on her thigh, "I should let you go then," he smiled, leaning over her to place a tender kiss on her lips.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you it's not nice to tease, Cassidy?"

"You're right Sergeant; I should finish what I started…" Brian's words were muffled as his lips reattached to Olivia's. With her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, Brian deepened their kiss, sliding his tongue along Olivia's bottom lip, earning him a quiet moan from the brunette who lay beneath him, as he pulled his oversized t-shirt from her body.

.

Olivia rushed out of her bedroom and smiled as the aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled her nostrils, she made her way into the kitchen and gladly accepted the mug of coffee that Brian held out for her, saying a quick 'thank you' as the dark liquid coated her throat, "I'm going to be late," she mumbles as she searches through her bag for her keys

"Good thing you're the boss, then," Brian teases, and she chuckles softly. He watches her for a moment, taking in the sight of the beautiful woman standing in front of him, the woman he lost 14 years ago, and the woman he worries he's losing now, "I was thinking we could talk tonight…"

Olivia's eyes rise to meet Brian's, his hazel eyes full of concern and question and she knows what he wants to talk about but she's scared. Scared of the possible outcome, scared to be vulnerable, scared to let him in, but most of all, scared to lose the man she loves before she even has the chance to tell him how she feels, "um, yeah, of course. We'll do dinner tonight?"

"Give me a call when you're on your way home and I'll order Italian?"

"Sounds good," Olivia smiles and takes another large sip of coffee before placing the mug in the sink and placing a chaste kiss on Brian's lips, "I'll see you later. Bye, Bri."

"Bye, babe."

.

No matter what she did, Olivia couldn't calm her nerves, her thoughts were everywhere and she was on edge. Her day was completely overwhelming and exhausting; between SVU's current case, detectives that acted like they needed Olivia to be a mother instead of their boss and the anticipation of a conversation that Olivia dreaded her day seemed to drag on. Minutes felt like hours and hours felt like days, she wanted nothing more than to go home and curl up on the sofa with a glass of wine but she knew she that what was not going to happen.

"Liv, you alright?"

Olivia snapped back to reality at the sound of Fin's voice. She looked up and smiled at him, "yeah, just a little tired…"

Fin looked at his friend skeptically, he knew there was more going on than she was letting on but he also knew not to pry, Olivia wasn't the type to open up, no matter how comfortable she was with you, she didn't let her vulnerable side show, she would never allow herself to be exposed like that. "Alright," he nodded, "we got a lead that Amanda and I are gonna follow up on and we'll call you if it goes anywhere."

"Great." Olivia shifted her view back to the stack of paperwork on her desk and sighed, it was days like this that she realized just how much she missed being a detective, cases like this that made her wish she was the one following leads and not the one doing the paper work.

She had no idea when she wrote the Sergeant's exam that her life would've changed so dramatically. She expected a slight change but she absolutely wasn't ready to be left in charge. Her mind wandered to Cragen, and the words of advice he gave her before he left, _"I gave my whole life to NYPD and I forgot to live my own. Me and Ilene, it's a Hail Mary; it's a shot at happiness. People used to say this to me all the time, but I never understood what they meant but take care of yourself, you deserve it."_ She looked around her office, the office that used to belong to her captain, she wondered how he was doing but most of all, she wondered what he would say to her now that she's allowed the job to take over her life more than it already had done. That she let the job do potentially irreversible damage to the only relationship she's ever truly invested in.

.

_I'm gonna climb on top your ivory tower  
I'll hold your hand and then we'll jump right out  
We'll be falling, falling but that's OK  
'Cause I'll be right here  
I just wanna know_

Olivia looked at her watch and sighed deeply, it was nearly midnight and she was just getting out of the taxi. She hated the defeat in Brian's voice when she called him to tell him that she wasn't going to make dinner, that they caught a break that could potentially close their case, he understood, he always did. He never made an issue of her working late, of her canceling dates at the very last minute but when the tables were turned and he was the one getting home late, when he was the one canceling dates she would get upset and shut him out.

She opens the door to the apartment quietly, expecting Brian to be asleep but she's surprised when she walks in and sees a dim light on in the living room. She enters the apartment trying to make as little noise as possible in case Brian fell asleep on the couch but is shocked to see him sitting on the sofa, reading files. "Hey," she's tired and it's obvious in her voice but her heart warms when Brian smiles at her and he places the files he was reading on the coffee table in front of him, and stands to greet her.

Their lips meet briefly; it's a soft kiss, it's almost like they've been doing it forever, almost as if they will be doing it forever. Maybe at first they expected that this would last forever, they signed over the leases to their old apartments and signed a new one, one that they would be in together until they decided they've outgrown it, but now, it may just be their apartment until one of them decides that it's all too much, that it's time to let go, time to move on.

"Hey babe"

There's something in his voice that Olivia can't quite put her finger on, is that exhaustion? Is it doubt? Maybe its fear or maybe it's the sound of him realizing that he deserves better, he deserves someone who will love him wholeheartedly, the way he loves her, someone who is willing to put all the bullshit aside and fight for their relationship. She shuts her eyes and sits down on the sofa beside him, pulling her legs beneath her, mentally preparing herself for the worst.

"I wasn't sure what time you'd be home so I didn't order the Italian but I made chilli, do you want me to heat some up for you?"

Olivia smiled and closed her eyes briefly as she allowed her head to fall backwards, before looking at Brian, "that sounds amazing but I'm going to have to take a rain check on that, I'll eat it for lunch tomorrow though."

"At least let me make you a cup of tea, you've been working for 15 hours."

Brian stood up and walked toward the kitchen and Olivia inhaled deeply, getting up and following him to the kitchen, "I know it's late but did you still want to talk?" 

Olivia flinched when she saw a hint of pain spread across Brian's eyes, she wasn't sure she was ready to have this conversation beforehand but after seeing the hurt in his eyes, she absolutely knew she wasn't ready.

"It's late and you just got home after working 15 hours, I don't know if this would be the right time…"

"We don't know when we'll have another chance to talk, Bri. We may as well take whatever time we get, plus, it doesn't seem like it's a conversation that we should be avoiding for much longer…"

"Okay." Brian sighed deeply and poured the now boiled water into the mug with the teabag and handed it to Olivia who gladly took it in her hands, inhaling the scent. He placed his hand on the arch of her back and led Olivia back toward the couch.

Silence overtook them for a few moments, neither sure of what to say, or how to start this. They were both worried about where they stood in the other's life, where their relationship stood. Olivia watched as Brian ran his hand down the back of his neck and braced herself for his impending words, "what are we doing Liv?"

Olivia's eyes met Brian's and her heart broke at the sadness in his eyes, "what do you mean?"

"I don't know where I stand in your life anymore, Liv. We moved into this apartment to be together, to spend more time together, to enhance our relationship but it feels like we've only drifted farther apart. We barely see each other anymore and that's not the problem, the problem is when we do see each other we don't talk. There's no communication between us, I've tried so many times to get you to talk to me, to open up to me but it's always to no avail…" Brian sighed, and rubbed his hands over his face, "you say you trust me, but you don't Liv. You trust me with your body but you don't trust me with your heart, you won't trust me enough to let me in, to let me help you…."

Olivia fought back the tears she felt welling in her eyes, there was anguish in his voice, a grief she's never seen or heard from him before and she hated herself for being the reason for his pain, "I do trust you Brian," she reached over and took his hand in her own, a sad smile forming on her lips, "I trust you so much that it scares me sometimes. Every time I allow myself to trust someone they leave and I'm back to where I started…"

"Give me the chance to prove to you I'm not going anywhere, but please, Liv, don't push me away. The more you push me away the more this relationship suffers and it's unfair to us both, Liv. You're either in this or not but don't string the relationship along if this isn't truly what you want."

Olivia nodded in understanding, listening to she knew she pushed people away but she didn't know how else to act, she needed to protect herself, she had experienced so much pain and heartache throughout her life that she felt it was necessary to protect herself from anymore of that pain.

"Last night when I asked you if you thought our relationship was salvageable you said you didn't know, what makes you think we aren't worth saving, what makes you think we're past the stage of saving?"

"I don't think that this relationship isn't worth saving, I would do anything to make us work, but I don't know what to do to make us work or how to do it. We're never home, and when we are, we're both either exhausted or walking on eggshells because we're stressed about work and even more stressed that we can't talk about it with each other. How do you save a relationship when you can't even be open with each other about difficulties of your day?"

"We can figure it out together but you need to trust me, you need to trust us. You need to talk to me, you need to let me in, let me know what you're thinking, how you're feeling. I know you're trying to protect yourself but you need to drop the walls, Liv. It's just me and you." Brian wiped away a stray tear that fell down Olivia's cheek before he cupped her face in his hands and gently caressed her face, "I know I haven't always been the most forward with my emotions but I'm going to change that, starting now. There's something I need to tell you, Liv, I love you."

Olivia couldn't help the smile that spread across her face or the reddening of her cheeks, she heard Brian's admittance when he thought she was asleep but hearing those words, directed to her was different. No man has expressed love for her in nearly 20 years and here she sat with a man who would do anything to help her, who saw her through her darkest times and helped her rebuild her life and she couldn't help the tears that fell down her cheek. She leaned her face into his, their foreheads touching and she smiled, "I love you too, Brian, so much."

_Would you let me see beneath you're beautiful?  
Would you let me see beneath you're perfect?  
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl  
I wanna see inside,  
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?_


End file.
